That really was it

*Note:  If you are just going to bash Michael Jackson without really reading my blog, then stop here and hang it up.  Thank you.

Yes, I just saw the Michael Jackson movie "This Is It" about his last show.  Now, I'm already a fan.  Whatever you think of his personal life, when he hit the stage, brilliance took over.  But, I'm getting ahead of myself...  I was memerized for 2 hours of just watching him dance.  The movie was really anti climatic....not really a documentary, but not a movie either.  It was mostly just a glimpse into the making of a show.  But, it was very much about MJ, the Performer.

I heard in an interview once where Michael said he was at home on the stage.  I get that.  I know it sounds egotisticcal, but there is something comforting about being about to communicate with your whole body.  Of course you have everyone's attention.....it's the only time when you KNOW people are paying attention! lol  It's a different world.  It's an escape.  It's a fun place to be...where you can be whatever you want to be.

Naturally, the performances we saw of MJ in the movie were actually rehearsals.  You could tell he wasn't going all out.  Part of my amazement was in the choreography.  It's simple, really, but it has an attitude about it.  A snap.  Everything has it's place.  Even if he's just walking, there's a precisness about it....there's a style.  His own style.  The cameras would pan down to the floor and all of the cameramen and dancers would be mesmerized by his dancing.  It's like he couldn't help but move and pull together such a fabulous combination that was fun and beautiful.

Another interesting note.....he always wears loafers.  I remember seeing this when he first did Billie Jean with the Jackson Victory tour.  His famous moonwalk and toe stand all in neat little black loafers.  While I can see the simplicity and ease of dancing, I think what struck me was that they are every day shoes.  Who doesn't wear loafers??!!  This tells me that MJ and I have at least one thing in common.....dance is always in our feet.  Hitting the floor, we don't need special shoes....just the ones attached to our feet.  Just play the music, and the feet will move.  He also does a lot of footwork.  Since I'm currently watching Dancing with the Stars, I've noticed that most of the popular dances and vidoes these days don't do as much footwork.  Maybe that's the tap dancer in me, but I loved watched Michael's feet just slide and twist and glide him across the floor. 

I feel for Michael Jackson.  His life was not all glamous, I'm sure.  Growing up in an adult world is hard on a kid.  And, a kid with that much talent at such a young age, how could you handle it?  Not to excuse him for any wacky behavior, but to understand why the stage was his home.  A place to be yourself.  A place to see only the lights and feel the music.  And, to be able to sneak a peak into that.....well....for me, it was a soulful experience.

Michael Jackson.....the King of Pop......the inspiration in my feet.  I miss you.

Another year

Like my brother in law, whose birthday was yesterday, I tend to be comtemplative at times like this.  Especially when I'm home alone and feeling a bit under the weather.  (how do you get UNDER the weather, by the way...???...anyway....)  Forty-two years old.  I have mixed feelings about this number.  For one thing, I don't believe I ever considered what my life would be like at...42.  In fact, subconsciously, I probably igorned it much like every other woman in the world does.  It just sounds.....well, traumatic.  In fact, the last couple of years, I've been secretly watching women of this certain age and trying to figure out if my mixed feelings are normal.

It's hard to compare myself to most women this age because most of them are in a full-fledged career and are juggling more balls in the air than I can count!!  I'm in awe of them.  I knew I would not be a good juggler, so I made careful plans.  Some of the women I see are suffering because of their harried lifestyle.  They are tired, bitter, frustrated and unfullfilled.  Their men are confused and dazed.  Unfortuately, many of them end up divorced and struggling with either a new family or a new identity.  Others are just miserably unhappy.  And, then there are a few who have managed to keep the balance and it's working. 

And, yet, I fear that these successes are in the minority.  For one thing, look at the TV shows on.  We can, after all, measure the pendelumn swing of society by the entertainment, right?  "Desperate Housewives" caught my eye when it first began, but I waited to watch it for at least a couple of seasons.  In fact, I rented the whole season and watched it over about two days.  I found myself laughing uncontrollably one minute and crying the next.  Part of it was the moments of reality that shined through the humor.  Another part was the longing for that kind of comraderie among a group of women that I longed for.  The last part was the realization that if we could all have a script beforehand, we'd probably be able to come up with a happy ending, too!!  More recently, the show "Cougar Town" has caught my attention.  I have yet to watch it because I'm afraid it will depress me even further.  But, I get the idea: women over 40 aren't done yet, ya know?  In fact, some of us feel sexier and "younger" than we did in our courting years!  So, now the question is raised in our little brains.....what are we missing? 

I'm not saying that every woman my age is looking to pounce on a young, hot-blooded man just to prove we aren't dead yet.  However, I understand the confusion and wonder about what our life should be right now.  If we are part of the group I described above......tired from juggling the many hats we have to wear......we find ourselves looking for some kind of validation.  We KNOW our life isn't over.  In fact, I like to think this isn't even midlife crisis!  I'd like to think that I'll live beyond the age of 80....so that means 40 isn't the middle!  But even the sound of saying "42".....rings through our brains a sense of change.  It's like a huge billboard proclaiming entrance into another stage of our life.  And, yet...unlike our 20s and 30s...we are scared, unsure, and maybe even disappointed.

So many cliches are affiliated with the women over 40.  And, anyone who knows me, will tell you that I HATE living out any cliche!  But, of all that I've struggled to out maneuver, being over 40 has been the toughest.  For one thing, I look back over my life and see that good bit of my uncertainity is how I've lived the previous 10 to 20 years.  I chose to be a stay at home mother when it really wasn't very popular.  That, in turn, has placed me in a small group of women that I actually identify with.  I also chose to homeschool in a time and area where it not only was new, but even looked down upon.  We also moved a lot.  This probably had the biggest impact because of my desire to be around people.  If you compare this to many of my fellow 40 yr old chickes....they had jobs.  So, they have a built in community of friends and collegues.  Most of them we not weighed down at home with kids every day either.  And, along the way, the found acceptance and accolades that mothers often don't get with any regularity. 

Now, I'm not saying all these women had it easy.  Many have told me that it was not their desire to work and they envy my ability to choose.  However....my point is this: as we enter this next stage of our lives...we have different ways of coping with our cliche.  We all have to face the physical changes in our bodies.  That in and of itself can be traumatic enough.  But, when our kids begin to leave the nest.....when begin to feel the invisible force to "break out" and LIVE before we miss something....we find ourselves becoming "those" women we used to make fun of! LOL  They used to be our mothers that made us roll our eyes because we couldn't BELIEVE this was the same woman that raised us with an iron fist! 

My Xanga friend, ThePrince, recently blogged about going back to those pivitol moments when we made life-changing choices and imagined the other road....the one we didn't take.  What would it be like?  Would that have been better?  Worse?  Happier?  Healthier?  I think that when women hit this age, we just instinctively do that.  We question everything!  Did we marry the right person....should we have had kids.....should we have had this many kids.....should I have chosen this career.....am I still lovable, sexy, desirable?  It's like all of the sudden we realize that a large chunk of our lives have flown by us.  Now we are facing another huge chunk, but we aren't really sure where to go from here.  I mean, how many of us REALLY dream about life after marriage and kids?  Sure I had a few dreams.....travelling, etc....but it's like the end of every love story...."and they lived happily ever after".  Well, what does happily ever after look like?  And, was it really "happily" while I'm having hot flashes and mood swings???

So, back to my open paragraph....I'm still not sure how I feel this birthday.  I'm so scared I could spit!  And, yet, I've lived enough that I know more....I understand reality a little better.  Like my brother in law, too, I've had a rough year.  I've lost as well.  I've loved, too.  I've hurt....I've cared.....I've been excited for the future....and I've been anxious for the future as well.  I am woman through and through.  I'm as fickle as they come.  My emotions run my life, but once in a while my head takes over and I conquor the self doubt within, too.  I think all in all...i want to be happy.  I have always been a very happy person.  Yet, I am finding more saddness in my life lately and part of that is probably just due to the fact that I'm having to grow up.  I'm having to be responsible for myself.  It may sound weird...but sometimes being a mom is an excuse for me to not have to think about me.  I've spent that last 18 years mothering....taking care of someone else.  I've loved them and I've loved being that caretaker....but it's an easy job for me to focus on them and not on me.  And, so now, it's hard to look at me.  It's hard to look because I have to look honestly.  I didn't make all the choices I thought I would make.  I didn't walk all the roads I thought I'd take.  In fact, I made choices I never thought I would.....walked places I never dreamed of going. 

I am really thankful to have another year of life under my belt....after all, the alternative is, well, deadly. =)  And, I know that not knowing what the future holds is part of the excitement and anticipation.  I also feel as though I'm at a bit of disadvantage.  I feel like I'm entering the game a little late.  I see many of you women around me already established enough to cope with the coming uncertainity.  Congratulations!  In fact, you encourage me to barrel forward and to keep reaching...however blindly it might seem.....and just take another step.  So, here's step #42.  I have no idea where it's going to land.  I don't even know if I have the right shoes on....but......onward I go.

*Note:  I realized upon finishing this that you working Moms may take offense or may think I'm looking down on you.  Not at all.  Please understand these are rambling thoughts of someone who has a lot of time to think! LOL  While I'm making very grand generalizations, I also understand very well that there are many, many exceptions to the rule.  So please....don't send me hate mail! lol  I love you all!

Hi

Just the fact that I haven't written here in a while and yet I get on Facebook everyday....just shows how lazy I am!  How sad.  And, yet, tonight a lady told me that because we are Scorpios, we aren't lazy.  Well, that's good to know!!

Crazy weekend ahead.  Cookout, which I'm hoping the weather will cooperate....in my good old hometown.  Look out, Bedford.  Fortunately, we'll be with family and the kids will have a good time!  I'm kinda looking forward to it. 

I am so excited to have a weekend off.  It's really a bummer to work on the weekend.  Especially when everyone else DOESN'T!  But, I have enjoyed the classes.  And, it won't be long until Christmas and we'll have a good long break.  It's not a bad gig, of course...and I actually miss the boys class....but....a weekend off is still a weekend off!!

Whatever will I do with my day......

Did I tell you my favorite sweater got ruined in the wash the other day?  Bummed me out, man.

Oh....and for all you dads who are escorting your kids through the candy aisle at the grocery store....I know half of that candy is for you!  No matter how many times you ask them what they want.  I saw you in the store today....

I sat in Olive Garden today and actually listened to a mother help her grow daughter plan the revelation to an unsuspecting husband of her intent to divorce him.  How sad is that...???

A lot of people think David Caruso is a horrible actor....I'd be happy with just his voice....Frank....

Obviously, I have nothing but jibberish to offer tonight.  I often wonder...is it that we really are interested in knowing the simple doings of the people we know?  Or, it is that we are just nosey?  Or, are we just looking for amusement in other's outlook on mundane life?

Thoughts???

The Name Game

The Name Game
Copy and post to your notes if you like.

1. YOUR REAL NAME
Kelly Jeannine Umphress Wilson

2. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (mother and father's middle names)
Lynn Dale

3. NASCAR NAME (first name of your mother's mother; mother's dad)
Jeannine Roland

4. STAR WARS NAME (the first three letters of your last name, first two letters of your first name)
Wilke

5. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color, favorite animal)
Red Dog

6. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, town where you were born)
Jeannine Bedford

7. SUPERHERO NAME (second fav color, fav drink, add 'the' to the beginning)
The Pink Tequila Sunrise

8. FLY NAME (first two letters of your first name, last two letters of your last name)
Keon

9. ROCK STAR NAME (current pet's name, current street name)
MuShoo Walnut

11. GANGSTA NAME (first four letters of your real name, plus izzle)
Kellizzle

12. IRAQI NAME (third letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, first two letters of your middle name, last two letters of your first name, then last three letters of your last name)
Lljelyson

13. GOTH NAME (Black + name of old pet)
Black Queenie

14. STRIPPER NAME (favorite perfume, favorite candy)
Affection Reeces

Weekend

It was a quiet one for the most part.  Well, ok....after the mad rush of Friday.  I had to teach Saturday morning, so everything caught up with me Saturday afternoon.  Hubby graciously let me sleep and I felt much better.  Brother in law called and invited us to do some wine tasting.  It was a great excuse to get out and just hang downtown.  We found some good tasting wine and enjoyed the company.  Then, we went to a great restaurant and, of course, the chocolate place in the mall.  I forgot my coupon, so I'll have to go back and get my free piece of chocolate for my birthday.  Yum.

I'm so glad the sun is out today.  I am never ready for the winter, but this year it just seemed to creep in too quickly.  This week, however, I think we are due for some balmy weather and sunshine.  Sigh.  Perhaps I can get my joints to move again and we won't be stuck inside just yet!  In fact, I hope to do some pictures for Mic's senior pics.  And, in fact, I may get the gumption to get out today and do something fun.  I need a pedicure.....I'm trying out all the places around town to find the best one.  Then, when my friend comes for vacation next year, I'll know which one is the best.  Right, Woody?

The girls and I, however, have begun our winter crochet projects.  They both decided to tackle a big afghan.  I fear they may tire of it before it gets done, but so far, since they are using a lot of colors, they'll actually see it through.  It's sort of nice to see the three of us in front of the TV, with my grandmother's pattern, all making our own version of it.  The last thing we need is another blanket, truth be told, but.....it's too sweet to pass up.  Not to mention the conversation that takes place......oh to be a fly on the wall.....

Well, there just isn't much exciting news going on or funny antedotes to pass along.  So, I'll leave you with another day, another week to enjoy. 

Smile!